| Caught up in imaginary worlds |
[Apr. 29th, 2007|05:37 pm] |
My life, right now, seems to revolve around a never ending stream of imaginary worlds. This is both work and play. I am emotionally invested in each. Sometimes, I wonder if it is too much. If I've become too distant from reality because of it.
Then, he smiles at me from across the room or my phone burbles with a text message and I smile, knowing that there is at least one thing in this reality that keeps me here. |
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| Beautiful |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|10:32 am] |
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
An ugly body can hide a beautiful soul
A beautiful body can hide an ugly soul
What happens when an ugly body displays an ugly soul?
Or
A beautiful body displays a beautiful one?
What happens when people make the wrong assumption
And decide that the beautiful façade is all that the pretty face is?
Pretty is as pretty does.
"You are so beautiful."
I can hear the venom dripping from the backs of their tongues.
Who is the ugly one now? |
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| Graphomania |
[Mar. 25th, 2007|01:46 pm] |
Graphomania is not a mania to write letters, personal diaries, or family chronicles (to write for oneself or one's close relations) but a mania to write books (to have a public of unknown readers).
I do not know if I am suffering from Graphomania or not. I do know that as I reach the home stretch of the novel I am currently working on, my mind has begun a small argument on what I should work on next (that doesn't involve any of the contract fiction and non-fiction stuff I am already contracted to do.)
I have the young adult book (series?) that I have in the queue next. But the second part of a novel in edit is rearing its head and demanding attention. Now, a completely new book idea has popped up and is making noises all over the place.
I think I'm going to stick to the young adult book (series?) since I've done all sorts of prep and research for it. But, it doesn't stop the clamoring of the other stories in my head. |
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| 34 Things |
[Mar. 15th, 2007|01:12 pm] |
From ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) stealthymonkey: YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, I WANNA KNOW YOU... I want to know 34 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, never liked each other, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine... I just wanna know you better! Thanks! =)
1. Can you cook?
Yes. Pretty well.
2. What was your dream growing up?
Something involving exploration or discovery.
3. What talent do you wish you had?
I wish I had the ability to draw. I have always wanted to do so.
4. Favorite place?
Depends on what I'm doing. Thinking, by the Lake. Reading, in my comfy chair.
5. Favorite vegetable?
Peas or zucchini
6. What was the last book you read?
Chill - RPG Book.
7. What zodiac sign are you?
Sag.
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
Yep.
9. Worst Habit?
Giving out advice even when not asked for.
10. Do we know each other outside of Livejournal?
No.
11. What is your favorite sport?
Soccer.
12. Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
I am a realist.
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
Say hello.
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
[censored]
15. Tell me one weird fact about you.
I randomly meow in public because I "talk" with my cat at home.
16. Do you have any pets?
Yes.
17. Do you know how to do the Macarena?
Yes.
18. What time is it where you are now?
13:02
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
Neither. I find them annoying.
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
Shed a number of unwanted pounds.
21. Would you be my partner in crime or my conscience?
Depends on what you are trying to get me to do.
22. What color eyes do you have?
Hazel.
23. Ever been arrested?
Nope.
24. Bottle or Draft?
Draft.
25. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
Trip to Europe.
26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew?
None.
27. What's your favorite bar to hang at?
I don't hang out in bars. But there is a new pub that I am interested in.
28. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes.
29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Something creative.
30. Do you swear a lot?
Sometimes.
31. Biggest pet peeve?
Insisted helplessnes and the lack of motivation to change things.
32. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
Imaginative.
33. In one word, how would you describe me?
Interesting.
34. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
Yes. |
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| Extroverted Writer |
[Mar. 8th, 2007|05:59 pm] |
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For the first time, I've met a truly extroverted author. In my experience, authors are introverted, goal oriented people. This one is very much an extrovert. I find myself watching her a lot when we are out in public. I watch her interact with new people. She seems to fearlessly throw herself into a middle of a crowd and say "Here I am! Love me!" Most of the time, my thought is "Here I am! Love what I have done." This is very interesting to me. |
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| When did being creative become a detriment? |
[Feb. 24th, 2007|03:57 pm] |
The guy I was kinda-sorta seeing decided to celebrate Valentine's Day by breaking up with me via email. First, I didn't know I was seeing him seriously enough to have him break up with me. Second, Valentine's Day is a sucky day to break up with someone. Period. Third, via email? Thanks.
One of the reasons he cited for the break up (after a long list of compliments about me - you're pretty, sexy, fun, etc...) was the fact that I wasn't practical enough. Everyone who knows me has given me the WTF look at that comment - considering I'm one of the most practical and responsible people I know.
His reasoning was that I was "always in my head, imagining fantastic things to write about" while he was so "down to earth" that in the end, it just wouldn't work.
Yeah. This from a guy I've been casually seeing for 3 months. It tells me that he really didn't get me. He didn't understand that I have worked for years, literally, to get to a point where I could take a year and do nothing but write. Even so, I guess he didn't understand one of the reasons for me to pick up some non-fiction freelancing was so I don't have to dig too deeply in the money I already set aside for this year.
Apparently, that's not practical enough.
Meh. I'm a bit bitter by this experience. It's one thing to be broken up with by someone. It's another to be broken up with by someone for incorrectly perceived opinions. |
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| One of THOSE People |
[Jan. 27th, 2007|10:01 pm] |
I was at a housewarming party tonight. It was a pretty good party. But, there were a lot of people there I did not know. That makes me uncomfortable being shy and all. I'm an author because I like to be behind the scenes.
I'm afraid I'm becoming one of THOSE people. You know; the ones who can only speak about one thing and only that one thing. This usually happens to new parents. They have nothing to talk about unless it involves the baby. I am beginning to feel that way about my writing, editing and efforts to get published. I tried to think of something else to talk about but my work outs have stalled and my travel doesn't seem that interesting to me.
Granted, most of these people had not been around me in a long time (or at all) so they were vastly entertained by the fact that I am "a working author" and I'm doing it on my terms. But, I'm really hoping that I have more interesting things to talk about in upcoming months. There are only so many times you can talk about agents, the creative process and slush piles before people wish they were deaf. |
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| What turns you on? |
[Jan. 14th, 2007|01:13 pm] |
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I've got a commission to write an erotic piece and I'm casting about to see what to write about. I know the story but what I'm looking for are the words, types of words and descriptions that really get your blood pumping. What is it? Brief descriptions? Long ones? Details? Not detailed? |
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| Escapism, coping or something else? |
[Jan. 8th, 2007|09:09 pm] |
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Lately, when something unpleasant happens to me, I find myself stepping back from it emotionally to look at it from an author's POV. In specific, I wonder how I can use this in my future writings. I wonder if it is a version of passive-aggressiveness. "Wrong me and a piece of you will show up in a future story in an unflattering light." I can't tell if this is a new coping mechanism, escapism or what and that bothers me. |
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| Death & Rebirth |
[Dec. 31st, 2006|03:40 pm] |
I am slowly dying the death of rebirth.
Pain, fear, anticipation - they are all here.
I want to skip past the part of learning,
and already have the wisdom of knowing.
But with that jump, I would lose everything
the wisdom of experience is worth.
Let me be as the stone.
Let it all wash over and through me.
Let it permeate my existence.
Let me know the pain.
Let me remember it fondly.
Let it be my river.
I am slowly dying the death of rebirth.
Hope, joy, anticipation - they are all here.
I want to immerse myself in the part of learning,
and earn the wisdom of knowing.
With this immersion, I will gain everything
the wisdom of experience is worth. |
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| Editors and Authors |
[Dec. 21st, 2006|01:46 pm] |
I have discovered a lot of things about being an author while being an editor. I've learned all about the frustrations an editor goes through. I've learned that many authors don't actually read submission guidelines or take the "guidelines" concept too literally. As in, "they're just guidelines so they don't apply to me." Most importantly, as an editor, I have learned who I will or won't work with again and why.
This last bit is a huge realization for me. As an editor, I've gotten to the point that, if the author in question is a pain in the ass to work with, I don't care how big a name he is - I won't voluntarily work with him again. This includes people who don't listen to guidelines, who need a lot of handholding to get their work done, who turn in their work late without previous notice of the impending lateness and people who want more compensation than is due for the work they are doing.
I've got two names on my "won't work with again if I can help it" list. One is a big name author who needed far more coddling that I thought was professional. The other is an up-and-coming author who wants more than the standard compensation that ALL of the flat-fee, work-for-hire authors get and cannot understand the answers I give him on why he will not get more than the contract states.
This makes me think about what I used to do as an author (mostly about guidelines) and cringe. Now that I've been an editor, dealt with a slush pile, had to hammer out work-for-hire contracts and worked with freelancers, I think I am a much better author. I understand what it is that editors look for beyond writing talent. I want to be one of those authors whose name is on the "Yes, we want them back! Dream to work with!" lists. |
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| Decision Freeze |
[Nov. 30th, 2006|07:26 pm] |
I just realized I've really actually started dating again. I'm on my fourth date with the same guy tonight. He's coming over (for the first time) and bringing me his homemade cheesecake. I've been writing all day and haven't cleaned up the condo. He's supposed to be here within the hour and I can't decide if I should stop and try to clean up or just keep writing to make my word count for the day.
You know, I didn't believe it when a writer friend of mine warned me that stay-at-home authors are perpetually sloppy. Now I do. Mostly because all we are doing is staring at a computer screen typing and ignoring the world around us.
Now, I'm just a little weirded out because part of me is poking me asking, "We're dating?" and another part of me is saying, "Get to work, woman! You can get another couple hundred words in." and a third part of me is pondering the idea of at least picking up the discarded socks. I know, comparatively, my home is pretty neat but for me it is a mess.
I'm in the middle of a decision freeze. |
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| Names and ideas |
[Nov. 16th, 2006|09:59 pm] |
I get the names and many of my character personalities quirks from my friends or my friends' characters. To me, there is nothing better than to name someone after a friend or an amalgamation of a friend's name in honor of them and have them realize it later. That's fun.
Also, I have a fan girl. Someone who actually said, "I want to be like you when I grow up." She's 15. She's my first real fan girl and I have the urge to name someone after her. I'm beginning to think that she is going to become the protagonist's name in my upcoming YA series. I'm not going to tell her about it. I think I'm just going to ask her to be one of my first readers of the first book of the series. |
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| Writer's block |
[Nov. 5th, 2006|01:31 pm] |
unruly children
the words continue to fight
and refuse to come
It is true, when you are knee (or waist... or neck) deep in writing, it is hard to blog. Sometimes, it is hard to remember you have a blog. I've been so far into my words lately that I think they are on strike today. I have to get through the rough splat of another 4000 words today to stay on target with my current contract and every word is like pulling teeth. |
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| Apocalyptic Dream |
[Oct. 15th, 2006|02:59 pm] |
The only benefit of working on weekends in my 9-5 job (beyond the extra money) is the fact that I work for a very large company and I like to wander through the empty buildings, imagining that some sort of apocalypse has occurred and I am in these abandoned buildings looking for something vital to the continued survival of me and mine.
Occasionally, I will come across another unlucky soul. If I am lucky, they will scuttle away, startled by the presence of another in the emptiness of the large building. This fits into my apocalyptic dream perfectly. I imagine they are a startled animal or another survivor. Someone I had seen before and while we are not friendly enough to speak, we do carry on a respectful relationship from a distance.
If I am unlucky, this other person will greet me with perky enthusiasm and will want to chit-chat about the inane - like the weather or "gosh, working on the weekend, too?" or other such unimportant and annoying prattle.
These people piss me off. I have the urge to treat them like the interlopers they are and dispatch them with great violent. It would keep me in my apocalyptic dream. But, instead of remaining in my head, I smile a falsehood and comment back. Then, I am the one to scuttle away.
I just had such an encounter and I am still angry.
I want my apocalyptic dream back. |
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| Fall |
[Sep. 28th, 2006|08:30 pm] |
I both love and hate Fall. It is my favorite time of year with its crisp clean weather and transformative leaves. At the same time it heralds in the cold weather I dislike so and reminds me that the days are getting shorter and shorter. This far north that means something. Soon I will need to get out my lightbox to help wake me up.
The other thing it does is remind me of dying. It is not the death I fear or dislike, it is the final journey there. Movies like "Big Fish" or TV show episodes like Babylon 5's season 5 episode "Sleeping in the Light" make me sob like a child - with unabashed frankness. What makes me cry is that knowing journey; that surpressed fear and longing. It is an end for sure but there is hope for a new beginning and something more.
A friend's father died recently. It was a hard confluence with the changing of the seasons. It was one more realization that I can do nothing to hinder or aid either. I think that is why the journey itself is so hard for me. There is nothing I can do about it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2006|10:48 pm] |
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-.-. --- -. --. .-. .- - ..- .-.. .- - .. --- -. ... .-.-.- / -.-- --- ..- / ..-. .. --. ..- .-. . -.. / --- ..- - / - .... . / -.-. --- -.. . .-.-.- / .. / ..- ... . / - .... . ... . / .- ... / .--. .-.. .- -.-. . / -- .- .-. -.- . .-. ... / ..-. --- .-. / .-- .... . .-. . / .. / .-.. .- ... - / .-. . .- -.. / - --- .-.-.- / .- ... / .- / .-. . .-- .- .-. -.. --..-- / . -- .- .. .-.. / -- . / .- - / -- .- .. -.. . -. / ..- -. -.. . .-. ... -.-. --- .-. . / --- ..-. / ..- -. -.. . .-. ... -.-. --- .-. . / ..-. .- - . / .- - / -.-- .- .... --- --- / -.. --- - / -.-. --- -- / .- -. -.. / .-.. . - / -- . / -.- -. --- .-- .-.-.- / .. / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / .--. ..- - / .- / -.-. .- -- . --- / --- ..-. / -.-- --- ..- / .. -. / -- -.-- / -.-. ..- .-. .-. . -. - / ... - --- .-. -.-- .-.. .. -. . .-.-.- |
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| Love Letters to My Darling Thief |
[Sep. 12th, 2006|05:57 pm] |
I dreamt of you last night. The world was a nighttime blue and black shadowed vista, highlighted by the moonlight through windows. You were leaning in the doorway of the living room; naked from the waist up, flannel PJ bottoms from the waist down. They hung low on your hips. In your hands was a bottle of wine and two glasses.
I raised my head to look at you, realizing that you had been standing there for a few moments, just watching me lost in thoughts of you. "I will never see you like this but this is how you will always be in my mind." I said.
You walked to me. "Do you say so?"
"I do."
"Then, let it be so." You bent and kissed me.
I woke up with that kiss lingering on my lips and your words echoing in my head. At that moment, I could have sworn you were standing in the doorway of my bedroom, watching me sleep. I turned over and you were there - naked from the waist up with your arms crossed - but only in my mind.
I thought to go back to sleep, to try to delve back into that blue washed twilight dream to be with you, and thought better of it. If I cannot have you in life, I will have you in my dreams. I can be content with that, even in my waking hours.
Love,
Cee |
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| Note to self: |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|10:49 pm] |
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Humans are a petty, jealous lot. Sometimes, they can't help it. They want to succeed as much as you do. Don't be too surprised when they react in anger or envy when you talk about succeeding in your own goals. Especially if those goals are similar to theirs in any way. Also, for goodness sake, please don't try to be helpful towards them! It only makes them lash out at you. |
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| Love Letters |
[Aug. 20th, 2006|10:38 am] |
How silly it is to want to write love letters to one who will never read them, and even if he did, could never return the favor in kind. Yet, this is what I want to do; to write love letters to the thief of me and my affection, then toss it out into to the digital ocean with the hopes that, one day, he would read them.
Hope and love run hand-in-hand in such an endeavor. It has been a long time since this feeling of desire and longing has overcome me. I feel it would be a crime to stifle it. I am enjoying this, the feeling of butterflies in my stomach as I remember his smile and the rush of blood to loins as I imagine his lips to mine, simulated by brushing my fingertips over wanting lips.
No, I will not stifle this unrequited longing. I do not know if I will ever feel it again and that is just one of the reasons it is so very precious to me. |
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